But… God

God has given me a lot of opportunities to flex my faith muscle lately. One could argue he’s had me work it to failure, rest a bit, and then do it again. 

Faith can be exhausting. 

Naturally, Hebrews 11 was my Bible reading the morning I wrote this post and it is all about faith. God, flexing His muscles now. 

I stay in close communication with God, or at least try to. I’m not perfect and sometimes I miss a few days of my devotional or skip reading the Word or get distracted during prayer. It’s a good thing God makes all things new each day. 

God has spoken to me and directed me a lot over the last couple of years. He told me to move to Nashville last January and who could forget the whole airstream show of faith? I’ve gotten many other signs and God winks and little wonders. Sometimes they come with frequency and there is no missing them. The Holy Spirit will make a car with Tennessee plates whip out in front of you while driving down the Pacific Coast Highway contemplating whether you really should move from Los Angeles to Nashville or a man sit down next to you in a physical therapist office wearing a Nashville hat right after you challenge the Holy Spirit to “show me what you’ve got” a few days later. The communication will be there and flowing and you’re basking in it and then… 

God ghosts you. 

At least, it feels like that. 

God gets quiet and you slip into a place of wondering… “was it all real?” 

That’s been the topic of a lot of my journal entries lately – a debate on whether I’m imagining things, making it all up. I’m a writer, after all. I have a vivid imagination, always have. Could God really be showing up through dreams and signs and little nods in my day-to-day life? Or am I looking for something that isn’t there? 

God has been quiet lately. I’ve been praying about purpose and a few other things, asking for guidance and direction and discernment, the usual, if you will. An overarching summary would be “God? I did it. I moved to Nashville. I’m here. Now what do I do?” I keep praying and journaling and spending more time listening and… crickets. 

Insert – doubt.  

I had a couple of small winks at church on Sunday. It was my first time physically in church in a while, my first time going to a Sunday morning service instead of a Tuesday night. The winks were so casual and yet so clearly directed to me that I couldn’t be imagining them, could I? Later that night, I started to think I was, that it was all just a big coincidence and I was looking for meaning where there was none. 

Because how could I not doubt? 

God has given me dreams and visions over the last couple of years that are so vivid – and so farfetched. Surely they aren’t literal – right? I’m not going to find myself living those exact moments out someday, right? It’s just not possible. That’s not how it works! Logic takes over and I just can’t see the “how.”

My pen wrote a phrase as I journaled: 

But… God. 

This phrase has popped up in my journaling a lot over the last couple of weeks. As I let the words flow and my thoughts, feelings, questions, and everything in between spill out, that’s the phrase that keeps writing itself out in my messy handwriting. 

But… God. 

The God of miracles and signs of wonders can do anything. God can literally cause you to turn a corner and walk right into your destiny. He can take nothing and make it into something. He can part seas, heal the sick and blind, turn water into wine. 

He can rise from the dead. 

And he can send me subtle signs in church and turn those dreams and visions and thoughts and ideas that seem so very much from Him into a reality that reflects his purpose. 

Because God. 

He can do anything. 

Doubt is still hanging out on the edges. I’m still working that faith muscle to failure some days. I do think God came to me in a subtle way during church to say “I’m here, I’m working, be patient.” Because trust me, God has told me “not yet” a lot over the last six or so months and as someone not known for their patience, that answer is a tough pill to swallow. 

I still don’t know if those dreams and such will happen as they occurred. I’m not supposed to know. I can trust that it will be that or something though. Because…God. 

When you’re doubting, when you’re struggling, when you’re not sure how something will ever work out, remember: but… God. 

If God promised it, he will do. 

Because… God.