I’m The Problem

It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s’s me.

I’ve been listening to Taylor Swift’s Midnights on repeat since its release. It’s hard for me to pick a favorite – there are no skips if you ask me – but “Anti-Hero” is probably my favorite. It’s a great tune to dance to, for one, but the chorus is brilliant: 

Hi, it’s me. I’m the problem, it’s me.
At teatime, everybody agrees.
I’ll stare directly at the sun
But never in the mirror.
It must be exhausting
Always rooting for the anti-hero.

While washing my hands this weekend, I had a realization. 

I’m the problem. 

It’s me. 

Let me explain. 

I took Friday off work. I love my job, but it’s been busy and I know myself well enough now to know when I need to take some downtime. I was also craving the opportunity to have some uninterrupted time to self-reflect, journal, and get to the bottom of a few things I’ve been trying to navigate. 

You see, I have a Sarah in my mind that’s a lot different from the Sarah I present to the world. The Sarah you see is pretty okay, all things considered. She has a good job, family support, and her football team is having a winning season (Go Vols!). She’s teaching Pure Barre, deepening her faith, and has two really cute dogs. 

She’s not the Sarah I want to be. 

Or, well, she’s the foundation. But the Sarah in my mind? My ideal Sarah as they say? She’s in shape, well-rested, eats well. She has a community, goes to Church on Sunday, gives back to her community. She has a great job, but she’s also got a kickass side hustle and a literary agent. She has a cozy, welcoming home, and, well, she’s got a boyfriend/fiance/husband and is talking about kids. 

I could – and have – come up with a lot of excuses as to why things aren’t the way I’d like them to be. I’m “too busy” is a big one. Love the “not enough hours in the day” line. I’m tired. I’m too inspired to sleep. I need more time to do XYZ so I need to stay up too late. There are just no good men out there. And if we get real honest, there’s negative self-talk, too. “I’m not pretty enough to catch his attention.” “He’d never date me.” “I’m too fat to wear that outfit.” “That style doesn’t look good on me.”

Except those excuses are why I’m sitting on the sidelines, wanting things and wishing for things and praying for things instead of actively working towards those things. If we reap what we sow, I’m not doing a good job of sowing. I’m definitely not doing a good job of tending what I have sown. My garden is being overrun by weeds.   

I’ve known *I’m the problem* for a while. I’ve had enough therapy and self-reflection to know I hold myself back. I know, too, that when I was coaching clients (side note: coaching is back in January!) we would talk a lot about the need to take action. I know I’ve talked a lot about the need to take action myself – to practice what I preach. But knowing and doing? Two different things. 

Until it’s no longer tolerable to remain status quo. 

I glanced up and into the mirror while washing my hands this weekend and the metaphorical lightning bolt hit me. I’m perpetually tired, at a heavier weight than I’ve been in a while, in the least shape I’ve been in a while, and letting yet another week go by without my business and blog ideas coming to fruition or my books getting published because – brace yourself – I don’t do anything. 

Those of you who know me in real life are rolling your eyes so hard right now, aren’t you? People have the perception that I’m always doing something, that I never rest, that I’m always on the go. One of my mom’s favorite things to tell me was “you do too much.” 

Truth bomb: That could not be further from the truth, at least not these days. 

I’ve been sleeping until the last possible moment each morning, getting myself out of the house with seconds to spare, putting in a strong day of work, sometimes going to CrossFit after work, often using the clock as a reason not to, coming home, and… doing nothing. I cannot emphasize that “nothing” enough. I usually have my dinner prepped, but I snack while I take care of my dogs, change out of my work clothes, and wait for my dinner to warm up, sometimes eating as much as a half a bag of chips. I might write a few words, maybe even get a decent start on a blog post or on a sales page, but most nights, I plop down on the couch with good intentions of writing or working on my business and then lose hours mindlessly scrolling my phone and going down Reddit rabbit holes. Sometime around ten o’clock, I’ll start to think “maybe I should go to bed.” Somehow, it’s always after midnight when I get into bed – where I proceed to get caught up in scrolling my phone again. 

See? 

I’m the problem. 

I’m not going to find community if I don’t put myself into a position to make friends and new connections. I’m not going to find my church home if I watch services online or catch up on the podcast mid-week. I’m not going to grow my brand and business by scrolling Instagram and Reddit. I’m not going to publish a book if I don’t write and send a query letter. I’m not going to get in shape if I skip the gym in the evenings. I’m not going to lose the extra pounds I’ve put on if I’m snacking on chips before meals and grabbing a handful of chocolate chips several times a day. I’m not going to get the sleep I desperately need by scrolling my phone well after midnight. 

I’m not going to find my husband sitting in my apartment. 

Hi. 

I’m the problem. 

It’s me. 

I don’t need teatime. I saw the truth looking back at me in the mirror after a long time of staring at the sun. 

It all comes down to habits. When I’m at my best, I have healthy habits like meal planning and prepping, schedules that work for my life, a sleep routine. I need to build new habits and I’ve already started that process. It’s not going to be overnight. I’m not going to go from popping into the gym after work two times a week to being there five times a week before sunrise. But I can start building the habit. I can start finding one way to put myself out there each week. I can go to church on Sunday mornings. I can ask people to meet me for coffee. I can volunteer for organizations I care about. I can (and have) put social media limits on my phone. 

We like to blame someone or something else for our problems. It’s easy to point our fingers anywhere but at ourselves. But a lot of time? We’re the problem. 

As I was writing this post, I came across this on Pinterest (See? Scrolling another site instead of focusing on finishing this post): 

It’s true. It’s the little things we do each day that make up the person we become. It’s the choice to write a blog post instead of scroll Instagram. To reach for carrot sticks instead of chips. To turn right into the gym parking lot instead of keeping straight towards home. 

I’m the problem. 

But I’m also the solution. 

It starts with me. 

It starts with you. 

It’s never too late to adjust the path. 

Do so accordingly.