It’s Time To Accept Full Responsibility

I’ve been doing some soul-searching lately. Now that the dust has settled on my move to Knoxville, it’s like the fog has lifted on other areas of my life, prompting me to take a better look at them. In sum and to quote Queen Taylor: It’s me. Hi. I’m the problem. It’s me. 

For the first time in a very long time, my career is in a great place. I love going to work every morning. I’m passionate about what I’m doing. There is something really special about working for a place you love, especially when that organization is your alma mater, a place that, for me, played a pivotal role in shaping who I am today. It feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders that I didn’t even know I was carrying around. 

Which, as mentioned, allowed my attention to turn elsewhere. 

I’m going to be brutally honest with you. 

I’m not happy with my performance. 

I know what it looks like from the outside. I get social media comments all the time to the tune of “I don’t know how you do it all.” I have a big job, I teach a lot of Pure Barre classes, I seem to always be writing or reading. Never forget – social media is but a highlight reel. In real life, I’m wasting hours every day by scrolling, playing a game on my phone, and just plain ‘ol sitting on my couch perusing the internet while watching reruns. 

When I say hours, I mean that. Literal hours of me sitting on my couch browsing Pinterest instead of finishing up formatting my book for publication. Hours of scanning Reddit instead of writing any one of the dozen plus posts I have listed on my ‘ideas for blog posts’ note on my phone. Hours of Gilmore Girls reruns with my laptop open to whatever word document I’m working on at that time while I scroll Instagram ignoring said word document. 

While writing this, I have, in fact, scrolled Pinterest, read a couple of Reddit threads, and checked Instagram. Several times. I could have been finished by now if I had just focused. 

So many ideas. So many goals. So many hopes and dreams. Minimal action towards them.

My health is off kilter, too. I gained a few pounds during COVID and my time in Los Angeles. I lost ten of those pounds, but I can’t seem to move the scale any further. I’d like to blame any number of factors but, to quote Queen Taylor again, I’m the problem. My eating habits suck. I feel inflamed, my digestion is crap, and I can’t seem to say no to gluten and dairy despite knowing I shouldn’t have them. I’m not exercising enough, I’m snacking too much, and you would be appalled if I told you about my sleeping habits. 

I am not happy with my performance. 

I have a grand vision in mind about the woman I want to be. This version of her, the one who sits on her couch scrolling reddit with one hand and Instagram on the other, is not her and I only have myself to blame.  

So, what am I going to do about it? 

Accept all responsibility. 

It’s funny how things work out. How God or the universe or whatever you choose to believe in conspires to show you exactly what you need to know. God had whispered “it’s you, you need to re-evaluate and make some changes” and then followed that message up with a few well-timed quotes and Instagram reels and, finally, a presentation focused on one of Pat Summitt’s Definite Dozen. Namely, this one: 

Accept all responsibility. 

I had full-body chills when those words were spoken. I can’t complain and lament about how my book isn’t published, my website isn’t growing, I haven’t started this or followed through on that or lost this weight or saved up this much money or or or… if I’m not taking responsibility for my actions. There is a time and a place for sitting on the couch, but there is also the need to notice when sitting on the metaphorical couch is keeping you from the woman you want to be. 

Because trust me, I am nothing like the woman I want to be. Do I have hints of her? Sure. But that’s it. Just hints, little things here and there that show me it’s possible. That woman is knocking on the door – hell, she’s absolutely banging on it – asking me to let her out. 

I just have to accept all responsibility. 

How does one do that? How does one take responsibility for their actions? 

It varies by person. For me, it involved journaling and setting goals. I spent time writing out who I want to be in my journal. I then set a handful of achievable goals for the week. Small habits. 1% adjustments. Things like eating better, going to bed earlier, journaling more, reading my Bible more often. I made sure to build in grace and account for things like a work lunch and evening plans. I didn’t say “eat perfect all seven days this week and workout six days.” I said “make better food choices throughout the week” and “move my body intentionally four times this week.” I also included “research local therapists.” I have great health insurance now. It’s time I return to therapy. 

Small, incremental changes. I do well with checkboxes and visual cues, so I made a chart to hang on my fridge to color in each day. I know this method isn’t for everyone. I also know what has worked for me in the past and that I have the capacity to focus on several small goals at once. A friend of mine is more successful when she navigates one big life change at a time in small increments. You have to figure out what works for you. 

Mostly, you have to accept all responsibility. 

I could list off a number of reasons for why I’m not where I want to be and why I waste hours mindlessly scrolling. I could cite the entire shitshow that was COVID, the high functioning depression when I lived in Los Angeles, the fact that I’ve made FOUR major moves in the last two years, that I’ve had bouts of loneliness, that I’m tired, that the work day was long… Some of those are even valid. High functioning depression is a real bitch and we’re all traumatized from COVID. My anxiety gets the best of me sometimes, too. But at the end of the day, it’s on me to take responsibility. 

And so, I am. This is me, putting it in writing, that I, Sarah Wyland, and accepting full responsibility. 

I’m in my glow up era, as us Swifities say. 

If you’re not where you want to be in life, may I encourage you gently to do this too? To accept full responsibility and determine incremental ways to change whatever it is that isn’t going the way you would like it to? 

It might be a little scary. But if I can do it, so can you. It will be hard – trust me, I’m in the throes of it and can confirm – but I can also promise you this: it will be worth it. 

It always is.