Why Not Me?
Why not me?
I read those words in a monthly newsletter from Jess Massey of Hustle Sanely and the words stuck in my gut.
Why not me?
Why not me?
Something settled in me when I moved to Knoxville. I wrote about how I struggled with the decision to take a new job and move to another city, and how sometimes, you just need to make a decision and trust things to work out. My professional life feels settled now. I love my job at Tennessee. I love going to work every morning, being on campus, talking about the incredible things our college is doing. For the first time in perhaps my whole career, I feel like I’m where I should be. That settled feeling has freed up a lot of space in my mind, space I didn’t realize was cluttered until I was able to free it.
I have a lot of big dreams.
- Get married.
- Have a family.
- Own my dream home.
- Travel more.
- Publish books.
- Financial security.
- Encourage others.
- Make a difference.
The last several years have seen me retreat. Some of it was out of necessity. COVID sent us all into a retreat, ready or not. Then it was moving to Los Angeles, grad school, struggling with being in Los Angeles, changing jobs, moving to Nashville, changing jobs again, moving to Knoxville. With so much change, so much upheaval, I withdrew without realizing it. I stopped putting myself out there, fell into a pattern of the bare minimum: wake up, put on clothes, go to work, come home, change into pajamas, sit on the couch until bed.
Rinse and repeat.
I went on a date here and there. I taught a lot of barre classes. I worked out once in a while. But I didn’t do much else. I did little to pursue those big goals. I wrote a lot, but that writing lived on my laptop, never to see the light of day. I posted the occasional inspirational Instagram message, but I never quite followed through.
I think, perhaps, it’s because I’ve been in the wrong place. Or maybe a “for right now” place. I needed to be in Los Angeles. I needed to be in Nashville. But they were “for right now,” and not forever. Knoxville feels like a deep, lung-clearing breath.
Knoxville has made me ask:
Why not me?
In the six weeks or so I’ve been in Knoxville, I find myself focusing more on getting out there. I don’t sit at home on weekends or go straight home after work. I take barre classes, meet up with friends for drinks, go to events, sit at coffee shops to write. I smile at the cute guy across the room and I put effort into my appearance. I finished edits on my first novel that will be self-published soon, and I’ve somehow found I have more time than ever to read despite how busy I am. I didn’t put a lot of effort into making my last two apartments feel like home, but now, in this Knoxville townhouse, I’m enjoying making it feel and look like I live here.
Why not me?
Why can’t I have the things I want in life? Why can’t I find the one, get married, have a family, a home? Why can’t I find success as a self-published author? Why can’t I find my space online to encourage others and make a difference? Why can’t I be financially secure and generous with my gifts?
Why not me?
There is no reason I can think of. No reason any of us can think of as to why it can’t be us.
I’ve adopted the ‘Why not me?’ mantra in my day-to-day, so much so I made a friendship bracelet I wear most days that says ‘why not me?’ I write it at the top of my planner every Monday morning, have it written on my bathroom mirror in hot pink dry erase marker. Seeing it lights a fire in me, stokes the flames when the embers start to burn out.
Why not me?
Why can’t I have everything I want?
Why not me?
Why not you?
Why not?
