One Month in Nashville

The change in me feels palpable.

They say hindsight is 20/20, and I’ve always found that to be true. I don’t think I realized how unhappy I was in Los Angeles until I got to Nashville.

I was an outcast in Los Angeles. I didn’t fit in, but in a city that embraces those that stand out, I didn’t stand out, either. I was a wallflower, there, planted, trying to bloom, but never quite able to crack through – something. I don’t know what that something was, but I could feel it. It felt like a box or a cage or a predetermined label slapped on me upon arrival.

I did all the right things in L.A. I went to social events, invited people to meet up for coffee, tried to coordinate outings, tried gyms, tried churches. Nothing clicked. It was the first time in my life I had trouble making connections.

At some point, I quit trying. My days were largely the same – go to work (usually from home), go to school or teach Pure Barre, depending on the day, come home, eat a too late dinner, stay up way too late, and wake up to do it all over again the next day. Weekends were especially lonely – teach Pure Barre in the morning then…? Sometimes I would have a date or a dinner or I would venture out to somewhere new in L.A. and explore, but for the most part, my weekends were spent flying solo. Pure Barre was my saving grace during my time in L.A. It was the one place I felt like I fit in, had people. Pure Barre probably saved my sanity.

Things are different in Nashville.

I fit here.

I can’t explain it. I can’t wrap my words around it. All I know is Nashville feels right. I’m leaving my apartment, joining gyms, trying other fitness classes, wandering into local spots. I’m re-connecting with friends from college and from my first time living here. I’m going to church in-person for the first time since pre-pandemic and I’ve never loved a church more.

I’m also inspired.

I couldn’t seem to get myself to do anything in L.A. I couldn’t be bothered to execute on any of the grand ideas I have for the brand I want to build, the coaching I want to expand, the podcast I want to start, the stories I want to tell. Now that I’m in Nashville? Well, I’m still staying up too late, but it’s because I’m so wrapped up in whatever piece of content I’m creating or manuscript I’m working on that I lose track of time. I can see now that I was navigating high functioning depression in Los Angeles alongside my ever faithful and present anxiety.

There was some worry that I might regret my choices when the end of August rolled around and all of my classmates were returning for their third and final year of the MFA program I withdrew from. I can say with certainty that is not the case. I have no interest in working on a thesis project, no desire to sit in a classroom. Getting to sit at my favorite coffee shops around Nashville and work in my work in progress manuscript or else edit the manuscript I plan to query soon is a much better – and much more fulfilling – use of my time right now.

A month in, I’m starting to feel settled in Nashville. I still have a host of things to do in my apartment to make it feel like home, but I accepted that I can’t do it all in a weekend so we’re taking it little by little – and not buying furniture JUST to fill the space, but rather, waiting to find the perfect piece. That’s a true test of my patience, friends, especially when you find the perfect kitchen table and chairs – that will be back in stock in October 2023. Yes, 2023.

I’m excited about Nashville. I’m hopeful for what’s ahead. I have a really good feeling about Music City.